Carol

I've discovered a new thing to drool over... look out

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 20:16:00 GMT

One of my friends at Anime Reactor got me started on Weiss Kreuz. It looks very interesting... cute guys... and from what I've read, interesting plotlines and very complex pasts. ^_^ the psych degree speaking here. Here's an interesting quiz I did. I highly doubt that I'm exactly this character, but he's still cute...

Yohji

What assassin of Weiss Kreuz are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's Been a Long, Long Day...

Mon, 27 Oct 2003 23:31:47 GMT

Just got back from Anime Reactor!! I am SO pumped from it!!! I think I lost a couple of poundage from running around like a madwoman helping lost congoers and helping out the staff, who in my humble opinion were the greatest. Being a gopher and called Evil Minion Number 1 wasn't so bad at all, except for having very sore feet.
And I got signatures!! From Kia Asamiya!! And others!!! My brain is still on the anime high. And the guy from Studio Ironcat, Steve Bennett, was there too, as well as Robert DeJesus; and he was great. There were so many other Japanese artists there, which was great and they were also victims of my lousy Japanese. Thank GOD I didn't volunteer for the translator job...they would have fired me in the first two minutes.
I guess there's something very special about going to cons and meeting other people who share the same obsession to some degree and just talking and meeting and dressing up and buying lots and lots of Pocky(which I tried the new G Pocky... that is an orgasm in a box, I swear). I met many new people... some had very extensive costumes... I could only come up with Dorothy from The Big O. But what surprised me most were that people did recognize my costume. It was so last minute. But the most important thing was that I had the best time of my life and it's something I'll never forget; now this time I have to find a con in Japan...and a Japanese friend to come with me 'cause I'll be so lost... but right now, it's packing lots of clothes and stuff. ::sigh::

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 01:56:57 GMT

Ah, the summer months. The only times where the most happening events are...happening, and the boring times are the most...boring. Yeah, I'm out of school, all right. Can't even remember synonyms. Again, jrock to the rescue! While listening to the band screaming into my ear(they have a new album coming out!! I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait!!!! EEEEEEEE!!! ::does little happy dance of obssessed rabid fangirl::) the mind wandered to memories of the last year and how much things have changed while some things still remain the same.
Like friends. Friends are the spice of life or the bane of human existence. Both heaven and hell, in my case at least. Some of them helped me from going on a squirrel killing spree(not that I would ever do that!!) while others I wanted to strangle. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it...but then I think it could always be worse. ...I'm not going to think about that. Anyway, I'm in another random mood tonight... mainly I think because I have no creative outlet right now. I need like a painting studio so I can wreak havoc on an innocent little canvas. ^_^;;

Tue, 12 Aug 2003 01:25:57 GMT

Lots of stuff happening. FINALLY finished school! No more projects!! No more papers!!!! EEEEE!! Happiness!
Now I'm back home to wait until I leave for Japan. Going from walking everywhere and being by myself to suddenly home was a shock, but I got over it. Now it's laundry time and my kitty is sleeping next to me. She's so cute. Now I've got to go clean. ::sigh:: it's good to be home...

Wed, 16 Jul 2003 22:12:01 GMT

blah... it's another day... couldn't sleep at all last night... don't ya hate it when you don't get enough sleep the night before, take a nap, then you wake up feeling groggy and by the time you're awake you're supposed to be asleep?? meh, crap happens. packing rather sucks, since I have so much stuff. but soon I'll be home and then it's cleaning... ugh. other than that, it's another day... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

quiz quiz!!

Sun, 13 Jul 2003 04:16:21 GMT

This is a cool quiz, especially for a Dir en Grey sick and twisted fan such as myself...

Kyo will be happy he found someone who doesn't
think he's scary!

Which Dir en Grey member would be your ideal boyfriend?
brought to you by Quizilla
What can I say? ^_^

another day...

Wed, 09 Jul 2003 06:17:25 GMT

Nothing much happening. Yup, it's one of those days that I'm wondering if my place will ever cool off, will the lightning not hit the building and I hope I don't lose power. Luckily that didn't happen(the lightning and power, but my place still feels like the 7th circle of Hell). Yayness. It's one of those times where I'm actually not stressed. Ah, these are the moments I treasure. Where nothing pressing is needing my attention and things can wait until morning. And I took a quiz. Very accurate, like my friend Ursula said. Thanks, Ursula for the link!

You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Mon, 07 Jul 2003 06:17:48 GMT

Nothing much has been happening. Life has just been eating meals, sleeping, and surfing the net. And trying to keep cool in a room with a malfunctioning air conditioning. I'm coming closer and closer to the day when I have to go back home for a couple of months before I leave.
Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as thinking too much. Sure, I really like being by myself a lot, but too much of it can't be a good thing. Life, dreams... can they both fit together, I wonder. Of course I have my dreams and ambitions, but will they withstand the test of time? Will I be content with it if they come true? Such things cloud my mind right now... oh, well. I'm sure that once I get going in full swing to go to Japan I'll feel better. And I'm hoping by the time I get out there again and have enough money I'll go to another Dir en Grey concert... =^_^= ah, jrock.

School's out FOREVER!!!

Wed, 02 Jul 2003 16:45:19 GMT

Huzzah!! No more school!!! Now it's time for a job... well, I got one now, in Japan. But it's not till November...and my room is calling me to clean up the mess I made in it. Wait, that's my parents doing that. Okay, so I had school and I let my room at home become my storage unit. ^_^;;;
And the air conditioning is working in the apartment! More good news!! Things are actually going okay, which hasn't happened in a very long time. So far, the summer is rather calming, which I have needed for about, oh, a year now. I'm just glad that this year is now over. People talk of how the senior year is so memorable and you have such a great time...uh, was I an exception to the rule here??? ::sigh:: well, no use lamenting over past spilt milk. I'm for once ready to go and I have a future. And I've been learning how to roleplay. I have so much to learn... but it gives me an excuse to sketch. Yay drawing!!

the beach the beach!!!

Sat, 21 Jun 2003 19:30:02 GMT

Just a quick little writeup today. It's warm, sunny, and I'm heading to the beach!! Woo hoo!! Too bad they don't have factor 90 out there on the market... the curse of pale skin... but it's all good!

It's been a long, long day....

Wed, 18 Jun 2003 04:41:29 GMT

I haven't updated in I don't know how long. I don't know if anyone reads my stuff anymore, so I guess it doesn't matter anyways. ^_^
Well, a lot of things have happened, like getting out of this two bit olive pit of a college, but not exactly... damn summer school. But I now officially have a job in Japan!!! YAHOOOOOO!! I'm so happy that I actually have a future and a place to call home! But I won't leave until later in 2003. Damn. Well, at least I have something to look forward.
But I've been so restless lately. I know I'm doing the right thing, leaving to a place I've dreamed of and I have a future to look forward to... I wonder sometime's what's missing. Will people accept the fact that I'm moving halfway across the planet? More importantly, will my family? They like it because it's a job, and for them, for now. But for me, it's more than that. It's a way of finding myself. At the risk of sounding cheesier than a deli, I want to know what my potential is. I guess that's what everyone's looking for. Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones that just may get that chance. But I'll always keep in mind what the famous Denis Leary once said: "Happiness comes in small doses, folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie, or a five second orgasm. Tha's it okay?? You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep you get up and go to work. End of f***ing list!"

I hate technology...

Thu, 10 Apr 2003 04:07:33 GMT

Argh... I just typed up a long post and was ready to put it up and have everyone laugh at me and my rants and then all of a sudden I get an error message and the rant is lost!!! ARRGH!!

And my past rant was exactly about this. Technology, folks. Mind you, I like some technology. I mean, I can work a computer to type up my insanely long papers for this...school... ::breathes deeply:: and I can go on the internet and search for the latest news on my favorite jrock bands; but when it comes to actually using something else, then that's a whole different ball game. I got a cool digital camera, thanks to my technology-minded sister, and a cool blinky device thing that can read pictures. Yeah, but trying to get it to work and install software was interesting. The whole time I was afraid my computer was going to self destruct at any one push of a wrong key. Well, I'm still here and so is my computer. Evidently I was successful.

Easter is coming up, which means a break. Which I need. I looked at the last time I updated this thing, and I'm glad I don't have a website. The thing would never get updated. Besides, there's plenty of good websites out there about stuff I already know. Learn from them instead. ^_^ Now, off to the salt mines and listening to Dir en Grey all the way... ::skips off listening to Kyo-sama screaming through the headphones::

The (*)itch is Back!! (use whatever letter you deem appropriate)

Tue, 18 Mar 2003 06:24:55 GMT

Yeah, it's been one of those months. Lots of stuff happening. Feeling soooo tired... sleep is soo good. Luckily I got that during my spring break. Thank GOD I got two weeks off. If not, I could have started killing the squirrels around here. Then where would we get the meat for the burgers in the cafeteria?? Horrors!!
Oh, and I was looking online for jobs. Trust me, it sucks. I want to go back to Japan... I'm even willing to teach English, which is what I'm stuck with so far. Graduation seems so close and yet so far. Now I just have to recover more from midterms, which were absolute HELL(literally, I was seeing flames. maybe that was due to my extreme exhaustion, I don't know.). Now that I'm a little less crispy-crittered, I can get some stuff going before I leave; such as getting a Japanese movie night and panel discussion started. I'm so ambitious. Or extremely stupid for adding on more stress. Take your pick.

Wow! Busy Day!

Tue, 04 Feb 2003 03:26:06 GMT

What a week. But this time good news! Yay!! ::does happy dance:: My school is putting on an international dinner and I'm in it(I hope I don't screw up horribly) and I designed the logos for it. Finally, they see the talent I posess... yeah... But it's this week and it's going to be fast and furious. It doesn't help that I'm not feeling well. Of course it had to happen this week. Isn't that how it always is?
And graduation. Okay, so I have to do summer school. But if I don't get into Japan like I thought I would, Hawaii is always an option! Anything to get out of this snow. It's 40 degrees out and it feels like a heat wave. And the fog was thicker than pea soup and we still had to go to class... >:( I just got to keep thinking Japan or Hawaii. Someday, I will go back to Japan. But in the meantime, I'm running like a madwoman and trying to stay sane at the same time. This will be interesting. But hey, at least I'm in a rather good mood.

Another one of them days

Fri, 24 Jan 2003 05:39:12 GMT

I love snow. I really do. It covers the ugliness for a while and shines in the sun. However, even I have a limit. I think this town is God's snow dumping ground. We got over a foot in less than two days, subzero temps and my idiotic school says we're going to stay open even if the students freeze to death. As long as we're getting their money... yup, I'm so bitter.
Sometimes I don't know what gets into me. I guess I've got cabin fever and I want to leave and go back to Japan. Or at least someplace other than here. Everyday it's the same routine, which can bring a sense of security to others, but for me after a while makes me anxious. And the fact that suddenly I find myself in charge of getting people together for an international dinner and doing all the work instead of spreading it out. I love it when this happens. Really. But I'm trying to get the club I belong to in the loop. I guess the best way to describe us is that we are fans of Japan. Does that count, I wonder. I just hope we won't have the Japanese students and others coming after us with torches and pitchforks. I hope I'm overreacting. What a week. At least I'm in an interesting Buddhism class. Shake shake shake... shake shake shake... shake your Buddha... yup, lame joke. Please don't hurt me if this offends you.

quick little rant

Fri, 10 Jan 2003 21:04:11 GMT

Friday! Yayness! Sort of. I really miss Japan now; I was looking at my stuff that I accumulated over there and a wave of homesickness washed over me. It sure beats the sucky weather we have here now!! Snow and more snow with cold winds are not my favorite thing. And dang it I want Dakara and Pocky! I hate it when I get food cravings and it takes a 14 hour flight to satisfy it.

What else? Classes are okay... whatever. And people are depressed. AGAIN. I'm about ready to knock some heads together here. I know that sometimes you just can't help it but why bring everyone else down?? And this is not something new. Maybe I need to get new friends... or put something in their drinks. I'm not feeling too poetic right now so if I seem boring, deal. XP I think I need something to cheer me up. Off I go... somewhere, in the snow, in basically the middle of nowhere... ::sigh::

sleeeeeepiesss....

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 16:26:28 GMT

::yawn:: what a day and it's not even noon. School has officially started (whatever) and this early morning stuff is going to kick me in the rear. I can only hope for lots of cancelled classes or something... I'm not a morning person. Not now, not ever. And I've got 9 am classes every day! Am I masochistic or what? ^_^ I say if the clock still says AM it's too early to get up.

I'm recovering from Christmas break, which for the first part was uneventful. Thank GOD. I was at home by myself most of the time, which meant I could unwind and sleep in. Then everyone came home and it was the usual chaos. ::sigh:: I love my family dearly, but they do get on my nerves. But I had good food last night when my friends and I drove to Chicago to see the Art Institute and eat at Berghoffs. If you live in that area and love good German food and have a bit of extra money, it's so worth it. Agh. Lost train of thought... I think it's time for me to nap before my next class... or maybe some Rocky Horror will wake me up... I love MP3s... I like coffee... laaaa...

FINALS!!! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!! (points for those who get the reference)

Wed, 18 Dec 2002 04:17:43 GMT

Yup, folks, it's that time of year that brings us college students to our knees. Get your minds out of the gutter, people, I'm talking about finals and everything it entails. And right now I'm so fried right now you could cook marshmallows on my head and have smores. mmm... smores sound so good right now... but I have my trusty cup of strong coffee next to me and wondering how long I can procrastinate my papers without having to stay up all night.

At least when break rolls around I can have this excuse for everyone to leave me alone so I can catch up with other crap. The first Christmas without my grandmother is going to be rough. For once I'm glad I won't get everything done so I can hide with a valid excuse. With all this crud happening, it's hard to get into the holiday spirit. So instead of listening to Christmas carols, I've been listening to my angry Japanese and American music. Somehow it helps. Maybe during break I can stomach the cute Christmas songs. Until then, happy holidays and ho ho oh forget it. :P

Finals... woo hoo... >.

Mon, 09 Dec 2002 17:25:20 GMT

It's that time again! Gearing up for finals and getting ready for the holiday season. Although with all the deaths in my family, I'm hoping this season won't be too stressful. Then again, I could sprout wings and play with the ferret people in the jungles of Wackagoogoo. Whatever. I'm in one of those moods where I'm typing whatever comes to mind. Because all that's been happening is lots of schoolwork and not wanting to do it. Yup, I'm ready for finals.
Again, if it wasn't for jrock I would be going insane. The hope of seeing those cute jrock boys is what's keeping me going here. I finally sent that JET program application this week; what a relief!! I'm just hoping I can handle teaching English to students. I want to make enough money to see Dir en Grey in concert again; by the time I do make enough, I'm praying they're still touring. And I'm getting more converts to the Jrock Side!! Hee hee hee... I love doing that in the Japanese Club. We're going to be showing artsy movies to try and get more people and profs involved. So far, I've thought of the Evangelion movies, the Utena movie, and Night of the Galactic Railroad. Anyone got suggestions? I'm at a loss here. Well, now I have plenty of time to think about it because I've given up to the fact that I'm staying for the summer. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm getting REALLY miffed at my school. Argh. Back to the salt mines.

the calico is back

Fri, 06 Dec 2002 06:57:10 GMT

STRESS!! STRESS!! You could bounce quarters off my back and have them stick to the cieling! It's the beginning of the end for my last(hopefully) fall semester. I turned in my application for the JET program. By this time next year I'm praying I'll be back in Japan. But my professors are not being too kind to me. One of them is making me turn in four papers due next week and taking a letter grade off them because I was sort of busy mourning over the loss of my grandmother. Which, by the way, I could not go to the funeral because this stupid school is making me work too hard for something that could have easily been averted had they informed me. And I found out during Thanksgiving break that my aunt died as well. If it isn't one thing, it's another. And again, since this stupid school said you can't mourn, you can't go to her funeral either even though it's not that far away. So now I have all this emotional baggage and I can't even properly mourn for either of them; I have to try to pass my classes first. I really hate my school for making me put their idiotic blathering before paying respects to my relatives.
On a lighter note(FINALLY, YES!!!) I saw Midwest Furfest and had the happiest time! I saw my dear friends Ursula and Kat; I met Kat's friend Nick and he was a cool guy. It was a great feeling to see them again and made me forget my worries even for just a day. I bid on some artwork but I have no clue if I got it. I was comfortable in my kitty persona and had a very talented artist by the name of Michelle draw my character, Kyoko. I was happily lost in this world of anthropomorphic animals and just had fun. I really didn't get pounced or anything; at this rate I don't think I would have minded if someone did. Everyone needs snugglies sometimes. Just as long as it's just a friendly hug. if there is another con like that in my area again, I think I'll go to it. Meanwhile, I'll be looking forward to Anime Central. Hopefully I'll see Kat and Ursula again soon.

When it Rains, it Pours

Fri, 22 Nov 2002 06:49:42 GMT

Sometimes life just seems like it's out to get you. This week was one of those weeks that was a waste of shampoo and soap. First off, my grandmother passed away on Sunday; instead of my friends helping me getting through all this, since this is my first grandparent dying, my one friend had a "mood swing" and everyone flocked to her for attention. I'm not a selfish person, but a little support here, people!!! I can't do everything on my own!!! GRRRRR!!! Breathe, breathe... okay.
At least Thanksgiving Break starts this friday, so then I can... stay home and work on catching up on schoolwork because I was upset about my grandmother dying. Oh, boy. The Midwest Furfest!! I get to see Ursula!! That's something to be happy for!! Happiness!! My "friend" has decided to come along with my group! NOOOOOO!!!!! I've got to keep thinking about how happy I'll be when I see Ursula. I've got to keep positive, although sometimes thinking positively gets really on my nerves. Jeez, I've been one gigantic stress ball lately. I wonder why. If I had a tail, it would be puffed up this whole week. I just hope Furfest will cheer me up. Sorry, selfish and trite ramble today. When break is over, I hope I'll be in a better mood.

another rant by yours truly - next time will be cheerful, honest!

Tue, 12 Nov 2002 04:44:16 GMT

I really don't get people sometimes. This is very scary, especially coming from a psychology major. But it's true. Humans are very complicated creatures and it's so confusing. And it's not because of my abnormal psych exam Wednesday. The thing with my friends here is that we tend to come together because we have similar experiences in life. Most of it bad, some good. That can be bad and good. Right now it sucks.
I'm so frustrated because I left for Japan and was gone for about 6 months. Mother of pearl, I don't know what would happen if I decided to stay for a full year... Anyway, I don't know how to say this without saying too much. Even though she's making me EXTREMELY tiffed, I respect confidentiality. Let's just say sometimes it's very hard to tell if someone is just getting attention or the person really has problems. I know that mood disorders can be debilitating, but something's telling me that this has been blown out of proportion. But how can I prove it without people on my back and calling me a traitor and clueless when I have been there? I'm a psych major, for crying out loud! I don't read all of these books for enjoyment (just some of them; if I didn't enjoy at least some, then why the hell am I in this major??). ::sigh:: It makes me want to tear my hair out. Luckily, I keep my hair looking so shiny that I don't do that.
On a lighter note, kitties are soooo cute! My other friend, who is not involved in this at all and has been my savior from total insanity, has a lot of cats. Gotta love fuzz therapy. But two of the little kittens that she had were sold! Mind you, it's a nice family, but I loved them! Oh, well. At least they're happy. And she has plenty of other energetic kitties to keep us on our toes! Next time will get better. It's all a matter of time.

The Quest for Human Understanding, or It's Getting Late and I Need to Go to Bed

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 07:41:10 GMT

Oh, my. What a week or two weeks since I have last written. Everything decided to explode and make me work for a long time. My friends are driving me crazy; school is not wanting me to graduate, and I had a cute little silver tabby kitten stake claim on my lap for a comfy nap. Okay, not all of it was stressful. Where would I be without these furry little creatures? Probably in the looney bin, but I wouldn't have to worry about my allergies acting up. Well, we all make sacrifices.
What's been going on? First off, the friends. I know friends are supposed to drive one mad, but in a good way. Right now it's not even in a good way. I hate it when people think that there have to be divisions within a group and you're either out or in. I prefer to drink coffee, but I digress. And another thing that drives me insane, not only being a psychology major, but also when people think that depression isn't a real disease. It is; it can affect how people live. Sometimes one just doesn't know the best way to deal with it since it differs from person to person. Sometimes I want to give someone a slap in the face, but it may or may not help. The human condition... ::grinds teeth, then realizes a trip to the dentist now would not be a good idea::
Sometimes just trying to get by everyday is a struggle. Thank goodness I have friends who can have cats in the house. Sometimes I regret not getting an apartment when I had the chance. But it also angers me when I think of what life some of those cats had before they came to my friend. Two of them are so undernourished(although we're correcting that now) that they should be much bigger than what they are now. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) humans make me sick. Again, I digress. Happy thoughts now. The two kittens are sooo cute!! I'm a sucker for something that looks at you and the look just screams "love me!!" And one of them, the one I mentioned above, found a home on my lap. There's just something very comforting about a little, almost helpless, kitten sleeping on the lap, purring away, that gives reassurance that everything's going to work out. Forget psychoanalysis, kittyanalysis is a better thing! Or puppyanalysis!! Yup, I'm getting silly. Goodnight and viva le fuzzy therapy!

jrock is my prozac

Thu, 03 Oct 2002 06:06:58 GMT

Okay, I promised to go on a lighter subject this time, even though my life is still one big stress ball. Well, sometimes you're the bug and other times you're the winshield. And yes, I am the queen of cliches and sayings. Deal with it.
I now look back right now and wonder what the hell got me into jrock. It all started with the great but now not together X Japan. Anime is my favorite and will always be first, but jrock is a close second. If you know of X/1999, then you know that X Japan's ballad "Forever Love" was on the soundtrack for the movie. I was smitten. It was mournful, yet sweet. Being the sponge for knowledge that I am, I looked for more of their songs. Mother of Pearl, it was nothing that I have ever heard before! Such anger, sadness and all out passion in a band. When I was feeling low, it could express what I could not. I've always had an affinity for music and here was something new and fresh. Their ballads, oh the ballads... ::sniffle:: okay, emotions under control... Then of course that opened up the world of jrock for me. Malice Mizer, Shazna, then Dir en Grey, my current fave. What can I say? The vocals is nothing I heard in my life EVER. Kyo gets extreme props just for singing the way he does and it fits with all the songs! I have a space in my heart for those who write songs and never has a happy ending. The guitar riffs, the bass line, and the drums are so complicated, they keep me thinking. Again, they're nothing that I've heard before. There's just something there that I can connect with, although half the time I don't know what Kyo is singing. But that's half the fun. I had the privilege of seeing these guys in concert, and all I have to say is WOW. Such intensity and passion that I have never felt before flooded my senses. I don't think that bands and music influence too much of my life, but this concert made me realize what is important and how to keep that feeling of passion and wanting to do what I want to do. I severely doubt I will ever meet Dir en Grey, but hope springs eternal. Then they will have to watch their vocalist from being kidnapped by a crazed gaijin! ^_^ Just kidding. Gee, this one is rather long and full of fluff, but I like writing down whatever's on my mind. And staring at my jrock posters and drooling.

another one of my trippy soliloquies...(or just another rant)

Tue, 01 Oct 2002 04:13:18 GMT

I've just been in a down mood this week. And it's not even tuesday. I'll say one more things about friends then hopefully I'll go on a lighter rant. Why don't people see what's going on right in front of them? I know people have tried to answer that for years and there is no explanation. And I feel so damned helpless when I know someone needs help but I don't know what to do. I go to someone who can but the waiting is the hard part, especially with good friends. I don't want to sound cruel to my friends but I know when not to get too into it. That's the very depressing part. ::sigh:: Life is like a roller coaster; you go up and down and end up feeling pukey.
Okay, lighter note time... lighter note... ummm... okay, so things aren't too sunny but I'm sure I can find something... oh! Japan! My pictures came so I can show them to friends! I remember all the great times that I had. I still talk with some of my friends I met there, like a great friend named Ursula. Wonderful artist and a sense of humor I adore. Just got to get her into Dir en Grey. Yes, I'm a walking advertisement for jrock in general. At least it makes me happy. That's all for now, hopefully more substance later. Right now school is frying my brain.